~+~ Time to admit ~+~

This time..I don`t write just because I wanna whine about things.
This time I`ve got to admit..I can`t stop crying..I can`t stop running.
Even though I said..I promised to not give up and fight, not to run but endure it.
..
I can`t take it anymore..
Just few of you know what really happend on sunday..
But ever since then I cant bring myself to do anything.
Sitting in silence..I can`t talk to ppl anymore..it just hurts..
feels like I lost my skin..my security..that all ppl can easily see through me..hurt me..destroy me.
Right now..I don`t know what to do anymore..
I can´t go to school..I can´t go to work..gosh,,,I`M so afraid of it
My head`s turning when I start thinking..i can´t do that job..not right now..
I started crying during work..even though Petra did her best to cheer me up and tell me it`s alright to make mistakes..I gotso frustrated and dissapointed in myself.
I really hate being unable to do anything.
But how am I going to tell her I won`t come anymore...?
She`s put her hopes in me..and I`ll let her down..
Even when I look around me..my rooms a mess.. I can`t clean up anymore..
´s like my head is empty and it just hurts.
Even though I know ppl want my best ..I tend to cry at each statement.
..
I don`t know what to do anymore..
..I wanna vanish..and maybe then I`ll be back some days later..and things`ll get better..and I can fight again..
but with this entry I admit my defeat